Monday, August 22, 2011

Legs, you are on final warning!

To: My Legs

From: Me

Subj.: Performance Appraisal Memo

Date: August 22, 2011

I am writing this memo to document your substandard running performance over the last 60 days. We are also going to place you on an Ed Inc. Corporate Running Performance Improvement Plan.

Legs, we specifically need to address your lack of speed, your faltering endurance and the negative attitude you exhibit, as demonstrated in our last several outings.

The following two examples are representative of the type of lackluster performance that will get you retired if you are not careful.

• August 20th, 2011 – 16 miles in 2:20 minutes of run time, or a lousy 8:45 minutes per mile. Your pace was slow enough to get you passed by nearly everyone on the trail Saturday, including mothers clutching babies, old people on red scooters and an unfortunate guy with a cast on his leg bearing crutches.

Paint dries faster. Grass grows faster. Federal debt arguments get resolved more quickly than you have been running.

Furthermore, your crabby, argumentative and disrespectful stance as I asked you to pick up the pace is not how we do business here. Though you cannot speak, I could hear the &$&#-bombs you aimed at me with every step.

• July 31st, 2011 – Known internally to the Corporation as The San Francisco Marathon incident. Even after a weeks’ worth of slow “taper” duty, you decided to mail it in during the race. Your unilateral decision to take several breaks during the race showed poor judgment. Unfortunately, you chose to absolve yourself of responsibility, blaming our Gastro-Intestinal department for your substandard performance.

You seemed to be proud of the Top 10% of all finisher’s performance.

Listen up, legs…Top 10% does not cut it here at Ed Inc.. We aim for the Top 5% or better when we enter these things. Top 10% slips to Top 20%, Top 50%, Top 75%... and then, before you know it “just finishing” is the bar you aim for.

What if the Lung Department took such a shoddy approach to their work?

These two examples are representative of, but not an exhaustive detailing, of the lapse in your performance we have noticed over the last 60 days. We need immediate improvements in your pace, consistency and team work.

This matter is a serious one and we expect you to take remedial action. Non-compliance may result in disciplinary measures including plyometrics, track sprints, working out with weights or, if needed, a Sweating with the Oldies HR session with Richard Simmons.

And…none of us wants that.

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