Friday, August 12, 2011

We, the jury find you guilty, guilty, GUILTY!!!!!

The courtroom in my sleeping head last night was buzzing as the jurors walked in. Murmurs of insults and the angry sustained glares of the gathered audience made the pit in my stomach grow larger as I sat behind the Defendant's table. 

"Please rise. The court is now in session and the Honorable, well medalled and damn fast Judge Dean Karnazes presides."

"Be seated. I apologize for my tardiness this morning. A wrong turn in Albuquerque and some autograph seekers in Sacremento put me behind a few minutes."  Judge Dean muttered as he sat down.

"We are gathered here today to hear closing arguments in The People versus Roshitsh.  The charges against the disgusting Mr. Roshitsh include Felony excessive excuse using and assorted misdeamenor crimes against Endurance Running.  These crimes are distrubing and serious in nature.  If there are any children or faint of heart people in the audience, please leave the room at this moment.  I remind everyone in the court room that no outbursts will be tolerated as these proceedings continue."

"Prosecutor Jurek, please begin your closing statements."

Jurek sauntered over to the jury...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, over the last week, you have heard an ugly, sob story. The evidence was disturbing at times. Tales of missing days of running. Excessive pizza consumption. Weight gain. Drinking of IPAs. Excuse after excuse."

"His legs hurt."

"Work has been too busy."

"He has a cold."

"His IT band is aching."

"He is tired of getting chicked by 72 year old grammas."

"He even sunk as low as to blame his loving wife for feeding him a vegetable smoothie that allegedly caused him to only finish in the top 10 percent at San Francisco Marathon.  Boo-Flipping-Hoo-Hoo." Jurek hissed, rubbing his eyes as if fake tears were coming out.

The crowd erupted.

"Fry him Judge!!!"
"Sofa sitter!!!"
"26.2 feet not miles!"
"Try Zumba instead!"
"Hang him by his shoe laces!"

The angry audience mob hurled insults and anger.  The only things missing were pitch forks, torches and a hanging tree.

"Order! Order! Order! Let's give this loser a fair trial!" Karnazes shouted as he pounded his gavel.

"Objection, Judge Dean, maybe you should not call my client a loser."   My public defender lawyer, nearly asleep, half-heartedly interrupted.

Leaning over to him, I asked. "Who's side are you on?

"You should have taken the plea deal.  You are a disgusting shell of a distance runner. I cannot believe I even have to defend you.  Why don't you go ride a bike or something?  Tendonitis-shmendonitis.  Stress fracture my ass."

"Over-ruled, Scott you may proceed."

Jurek continued....

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You have heard every excuse in the book. The evidence shows the Defendant has not gone plus 60 miles in a week for two months now. You need to find him guilty! State rests your honor."

My lawyer rose and stared speaking...

"Honorable Judge and Jury.  What you have heard is sad and disturbing.  Yes, my client is a reprehensible character.  Yes, his masquarading as an amatuer endurance runner is a disgustingly serious charge.  I cannot defend his actions.  Yet, I must prove his innocence.  I have one final chance to prove he is not the slacker he appears before you today."

"I object!"  I screamed.

"Over-ruled" my lawyer and Judge Karnazes said in unison. 

I knew I was in last place in the line for the porta-potty at that moment.

Holding up a pair of running shoes, he continued. 

"These size 12 Newton Gravities.  Notice there is not a lot of tread wear since he got back from pacing Teeples at Badwater.  I submit there is only one way to determine if Ed has been doing miles...have him try on the in court."

"If the Newton's still fit, you must acquit."

I grabbed the shoe and attempted to put it on.  Too tight...I could not get it past my arch.  How much weight had I gained? 

A gasp from the crowd.  An anguished sob from my lovely wife.  I was going down for some hard time. 

The shoe did not fit. 

"Order!  Order!  Order!"

"Jury you are excused to determine the Defendant's guilt or innocence."

The jury filed out of the room.  I sat back in my chair.  Perhaps they are right.  Maybe, I have been finding too many excuses to not get out there and put some big miles up.  Maybe I should have thrown myself at the mercy of the court.  My only hope was that my DailyMile postings would hold up as credible evidence.

The jury deliberated a grand total of 21 minutes and 23 seconds.  Which just happens to be my fastest 5K time.  They filed in.  I knew immediately I was in big trouble as they were all giving me the stink eye.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, do you have a verdict?"

"Yes your honor.  We find the Defendent GUILTY! We recommend the maximum punishment and a little more."

The crowd clapped.

"Order!  Order!  Mr. Roshitsh, the jury has found you guilty.  Your crime of low milage and posing as a decent amatuer endurance runner demand the highest and most agressive of sentences as I can levy." 

"You are hereby sentenced to increase your milage to 60 miles next week immediately, raising the distance by 5 miles a week until your 12 Hour Run on September 17th.  You will run until you are tired, tired, tired. 

May Nike have mercy on your sole."

I started serving my sentence this morning...11 miles down before work.  Tomorrow..another longer run! 

My brain...a very scary place indeed.

No comments:

Post a Comment