Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Rated PG-13: Blood and Gore

This morning my kitchen looked like an episode of Forensic Files.  Bloody footprints everywhere.  It looked as if a horrible crime had been committed and the slack jawed (close to reality) perp walked around in the crime scene. 

The folllowing is an adaptation of the actual story.  Certain elements have been enhanced for dramatic effect and to fit your television screen...

"Officer, it all started when I got out of the shower after my 12 mile, 3:30 in the morning run around San Francisco."

"Let me get this straight, you were out running at 3:30 in the morning?   I think you have the Right to Remain Silent.  Turn around so I can cuff you for both of our safety's sake.  No one runs at 3:30 unless they are guilty of something."

"But officer, it is true."

"Any alibi?" 

"Nope.  My wife was asleep in the bedroom.  No one other than working ladies saw me this morning."

"Okay, what happened when you got out of the shower?"   He took out his notepad and began jotting notes.

"Blood,  all I could see was bloody foot prints all over the kitchen, from my front door and then into the master bath." 

"I see.  Any signs of forced entry?  Any other thing out of place?  Anything missing?  Runner Punk!"

"Hey....I am not calling you names.....Nope.  But errrr....one of my socks was sopping with blood."

"Blood? On the sock?  Hmmmmm.....You are an alleged runner right?"  The officer asked incredulously.

"Alleged, I would agree.  Most people can pass me pushing a walker....but I do all right."  

Putting on his white latex gloves (I got really worried that this was going to take a bad turn at that point.)  he asked for my left foot.

"Hmmmmmm.....it appears you do have something nearly missing.  One of your toenails appears to about to fall out.  I suspect that you yourself created these bloody footprints.  My ever clever detective skills surmise you took off your running shoes, walked into the kitchen to down a post run Apple Cider Vinegar shot and Cytomax chaser.  You stood on the floor here drinking it (pointed to a small pool of blood) and then proceeded to walk to the shower.  How many miles have you ran this month so far?"

"I don't know...around 170.....CRAP!"  I exclaimed and ran towards the light carpeting in the hall way with visions of Christine killing me...

"If that is true officer, why no blood in the hallway to the bath?"  I asked relieved.

Rolling his eyes, he pointed to the washing machine closet in between the kitchen and bathroom.   "I bet you took off the socks here and thus had no sopping bloody socks to make the imprint."  

"Lucky me....my wife would have killed me!"

That is how the movie version of this morning would have played.   (I am working on the movie rights.  I want Edward Norton to play me.)  Apparently, the miles I am doing are giving me a little challenge in the foot department.  This has never happened to me, so it is something I need to watch!  

Better now than in 48 days!



  1. Eduardo, I can't believe your foot didn't hurt like hell after losing a toe nail. That will take a long time to heal while you're still running, won't it?

  2. It actually did not hurt. I suspect it is the first of many!

  3. You should go in for a pedicure. I had a guy next to me a few weeks ago. ;)

    ha ha ha.

    Just a toenail... if you start losing toes, then you might really be in trouble.